How to Make Love to a Dalek

The thing that makes a Dalek so sexy is the same thing that makes it dangerous: the utterly ruthless desire to conquer. Rather than hiding behind the sofa when a Dalek appears, I decided to wrestle half naked on the cushions with one. We connected online, and I arranged to meet it one night at a motel near the Sifton Bog.

I had to find a way to take advantage of my Dalek's cold-hearted robotic mind rather than trying to overcome it. Subservience was key. I started by stroking its big gun, the exterminator egg-beater arm which is of course the Dalek's main robotic sex tool. The plunger, or manipulator arm, is fantastic for grabbing an entire breast and suckling it to death. I made that discovery with pleasure. The Dalek bumps, or love bumps as I like to call them, are so cold and hard. Pushing against them is as painful as it is sweet. It was so exciting, I couldn't hold back.

My climax absorbed into its force field, creating a barrier between us that could stop bullets. The gift was seen as a token of good faith. It opened its casings, releasing joyous tentacles that wrapped themselves around me. What should have filled me with horror was only exhilarating, and as the quivering mass made its way downward from my throat to my lady parts, I shook in excitement. We kept up momentum as I shouted hateful things, spurring it on. "Your home world is destroyed!" I moaned. "The Doctor will always win!" It's slimy tendrils gripped only harder. When I slapped it, the ends of its green limbs curled and flexed with enjoyment.

"I am yours!" I cried. "Enslave me!"

"Exterminate!" it shouted. "Exterminate!"

Afterwards, as cigarette smoke swirled about our heads, I whispered sweet nothings while he checked his status with his superiors. I knew we would be together forever.